Calvkin

Calvkin he / him
Aliases	cockvin calkvin calvin cool funny guy
Occupation	Bald
Species	Nutsack
Gender	Male
Height	5'9 (5'11 with shoes)
age	19
Weight	128lbs
Eyes	blue
status	cock

"My Spine! My Spine! My Spine!" — calkvin"If i had a vagina......uhmmm...............wait....."

— calkvin

Personal Life

Calkvin was born on December 15th, 2002 at Wheatland Memorial Hospital in Harlowton, Montana. During his adolescence, he was maybe bald, we don't know. His first words were reported to be "burger". Upon hearing this, his family would echo the sentiment, traveling approximately 1,317 miles to nearby Bakersfield, California just to get Calkvin some In-n-Out burger. In-n-Out was facing a meat shortage around this time, causing his family to pivot and get Wendy's instead, but they only had chicken. Calkvin first installed malware on the family computer at the age of 7, but totally forgot this fact. Roughly 12 years later he would repeat history during his 2026 malware incident, early reports from Fox Business indicate he is doomed to make the same mistake as of April 2026. Calkvin first trademarked his famous catchphrase "alright" and "okay" in the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport on some day in 2020, the origin comes from his disagreement with a TSA officer after they found a sandwich of abnormal size that he was wearing as a glove with his mayo smeared hands, some mustard on it too. As of May 2026, Calkvin is currently living on the east coast of the United States of America, it is theorized he is the current cyrptocurrency contributor for the Mudville Flats Boutique Hotel.

Gaming Career

Example of Calkvin reporting a griefing teammate in-game.

Calkvin is known for his skills in the video game Rocket League, with his colorful language being used to encourage his teammates. He has multiple car configurations, but many are prone to malfunction in-game, causing him to switch them often. Calkvin often runs into unfortunate instances of public matchmaking, he has become infamous for statements such as "Iraqi Net-sitters" and "South Sudanese Air Strikes" regarding his opponents. Additionally, he is well known to report bad behavior in matchmaking, aiming to keep the public servers for the game safe and enjoyable.

Calkvin is also known to play Counter-Strike, Grand Theft Auto V, Rainbow Six Siege and Call of Duty. As of April 2026, it is unknown of his skill level in these titles, however hour-playtime research suggests it is quite high.

CALKVIN

dumb idiot howard spelt my name wrong. he will be hung.

About

Fart smella or smart fella. U decide

stinky and irredeemably stenchy

NOT GAY

Known for his extraordinary talent at being humorous and charming

Eats shit

Is in a very very serious poly relationship with miserable

Best Friends with Daniel

Also is not gay

Also wins against howard in chess everytime

Mentioned

Calkvin was the one who exposed softybun for being a twerp and had him removed from the server. Fortifying his aura status in the server.

Calkvin was also mentioned in the widescreen monitor saga

Accusations

Calkvin does NOT have a vagina

Calkvin is NOT gay

Calkvin IS the greatest musical mind of all time

Calkvin NO VAGINA NO VAGINA NO VAGINA

NO VAGINA NO VAGINA NO VAGINA

NO VAGINA NO VAGINA NO VAGINA

NO VAGINA NO VAGINA NO VAGINA

NO VAGINA NO VAGINA NO VAGINA

novagina

I DO NOT HAVE CLITORIS

I DONT HAVE A VULVA

I DONT HAVE LABIA

I DONT HAVE A CERVIX

I DO NOT HAVE ARMS

I DONT HAVE EYES

I DONT HAVE LEGS

I DONT HAVE EARS

I DONT HAVE A PENIS

I DONT HAVE A BUTT

I DONT HAVE A FOOT

I have my left one

I DO HAVE A FETISH.COM ACCOUNT

I WAS NOT BORN IN PENNSYLVANIA

CALKVIN ISNT A CUCK

Favorite Things

Chicfila

not having a vagina or penis

anomalistic

facelift deformation

myself

tortas

being nice

tiffany geekbar

fetish.com

being unemployed

having 30 bucks to my name

having a vagina

extensive contributions to major corporations like nestle

i love love

_I

G0at65 on fetish.com

Example of a hot sexy brollic man aka G0at65

Where Calkvins aura Came froM

it evolved in his saggy hairy minge

無線廣東話陰道

no one knows why.... it just does.....

some say his wireless cantonese vagina sends out aura pulses throughout the observable universe;

Site Errors; on Calkvins WikiPage

Example of the multitude of errors present on calkvins page, it is unknown why they are there. possibly due to terrorist activity

Calkvin cant burp

yea

Tajikistan

Tajikistan

vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina

everyday i penetrate myself with a iphone 6s sometimes i switch it up and use a old saturn console.

fun facts about calkvin

calvin likes to swing on swings

calvin enjoys eating food

calvin likes newports, marlboro golds, camel crushes

calvin has done approximately 7 mind altering substances

calvin enjoys long walks on the beach like every other burger nut on those dating sites

calvin hears british voices in his head that never seem to shut up.... like ever

one of them sounds like an obese muppet that can only be used by Tom Stoltman. no one else can bear the weight

now theres an australian one.... please save me from this toremnt god help me please god oh jesus please the pain is awful

now they are glazing eachother jesus this is worse than the time i went to new jersey

sometimes at night i secretly sneak off to do butt-stuff with my neighbor

i want to clarify that the neighbor does not have a penis

am i taking or am i doing the taking? we will never know.

make a poll if u see this!

vagina

minge

pussy

cunt

box

fanny

beaver

twat

punani

vag

my naughty taco

grand canyon

vaginer

pink bits

fish lips

bush

foo foo

coin slot

cooch

chochie

front hole

brith canal

doos doos

cordians and flourdians

hey babe. show me that birth canal.

hey boy show me that weiner

which one would you consider is more sexually advancing? 1?or 2?

leave a comment down below!

nice guys always finished last shouldve known that

Ayy, okay, ooh, okay, uh

Nice guys always finish last, should've known that

Gave you my heart and you fucked around and broke that

So sad, pretty girls'll hurt you so bad (So bad)

[Chorus: MarMar Oso]

Girl, you played me, did me so shady

Got me in my feelings, I can't trust lately

You so lame, took me as a game

Say guys are dogs, well all girls the same

Karma, where you at? You better have my back

'Cause you know damn well I didn't deserve that

Oh, I'm finna lose it, got me lookin' stupid

From now on I'ma be ruthless

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Mmh

[Verse 1: MarMar Oso]

Thought I was in love

Had me thinkin' to myself I wasn't enough

I remember late nights all alone

Waitin' by my phone just to see your name with a ringtone

But you never called, you ain't never cared

Told me that you love me, you were never there

What did I do to deserve this treatment?

Never thought you'd be the one that I caught cheating

You might also like

[Chorus: MarMar Oso & (G-Eazy)]

Girl, you played me, did me so shady

Got me in my feelings, I can't trust lately

You so lame, took me as a game

Say guys are dogs, well all girls the same

Karma, where you at? You better have my back

'Cause you know damn well I didn't deserve that

Oh, I'm finna lose it, got me lookin' stupid

From now on I'ma be ruthless

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh (You know, uh)

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh (G)

Mmh (Yee)

{Verse 2: G-Eazy}

Thought our love was everlasting

First class, fly trips out to Aspen (You know)

I mean, I’m saying, I’m just asking (I'm asking)

Why’d you have to throw it in the trash bin? (Why)

I know you regret how you did me (Ayy)

Lied behind my back, don’t bullshit me (Don't)

I moved on, now our love is history (Puff)

Too crazy just like Bob and Whitney (Sheesh)

Uh, I guess that’s how the game goes (Ayy)

From now on I'm always staying 10 toes (Ayy)

Don’t get caught up with these hoes (Nope)

But I just never took you as one of those (Ayy, yeah)

Live and learn when you see a bridge burn (Uh)

Karma is a bitch, and its bound to return (You know)

Why are you trippin? I’m not your concern (Ayy)

Don’t get mad it’s another bitch turn

[Chorus: MarMar Oso & (G-Eazy)]

Girl, you played me (Hahaha), did me so shady (I'm just saying)

Got me in my feelings, I can't trust lately

You so lame, took me as a game (You know)

Say guys are dogs, well all girls the same (Ah)

Karma, where you at? You better have my back

'Cause you know damn well I didn't deserve that (Yee)

Oh, I'm finna lose it, got me lookin' stupid

From now on I'ma be ruthless

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Mmh

[Verse 3: Quando Rondo]

I tried to take a trip to Mars to heal up all my broken scars

I should've know age 17, she break my heart by 21

Month after month, I go bang up a whole lotta funds

Just like the smartest in the class I'll be the first to say I'm done

I feel so stupid 'cause I bragged to the homies like she the one

A burder flower, I feel so sad, all these roses fill up my gun

Sincerely Tyguan Terell, I wrote her letters from the joint

Give you the keys for that brand new tesla

Off of the one, unlock your thought [?]

They hate on me and jai forever

[?]

I let you in and showed you how I fell and you still didn't keep it a hunnid

I opened up, showed you my hurt, now I wish I didn't even bother

I was tryna find a way to get my team across

Ayy, A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie, I still think about you darling

Now I'm tryna find a way to get the lean bottle

[Chorus: MarMar Oso]

Girl, you played me, did me so shady

Got me in my feelings, I can't trust lately

You so lame, took me as a game

Say guys are dogs, well all girls the same

Karma, where you at? you better have my back

'Cause you know damn well I didn't deserve that

Oh, I'm finna lose it, got me lookin' stupid

From now on I'ma be ruthless

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Oh, oh, oh-woah-oh-oh

Mmh

[Outro: Marmar Oso]

Nice guys always finish last, should've known that

Gave you my heart and you fucked around and broke that

So sad, pretty girls'll hurt you so bad (So bad)

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